Dealing with Sadness

is a pain in the ass.

It's been a rough couple of weeks... For some reason, unknown to me, I have been sad. I have never been sad before. I know the feeling of being upset about something and then feeling better in the morning. I know the feeling of frustration and then getting through the issues. I have never been hopeless before.

Sadness flies away on the wings of time - Jean de La Fontaine

Guess it'll just take some time for things to get better.

When the going gets tough...

it gets really tough.

I had a bit of a hellish experience this summer. You know when something happens that is really out of the ordinary, something that happens that has never happened to you or anyone you know? Something that completely shakes everything you stand on? Like your faith and your beliefs and your idealism and hope for humanity? I had one of those this summer.

During the World Cup in Johannesburg South Africa, there was a bombing in a bar/pub that was showing the game. 73 people were injured. one of them was an American. My friend Nate Henn. He caught a piece of the shrapnel and was killed. Getting the news that my friend Nate had been killed on the news was a new experience too. It's awful, that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness, disbelief, grief and anger.

I loved Nate like a brother. He worked with me at Invisible Children. He was a booking agent with IC and did his job like a pro (well, he was a pro!) He had nearly booked half of my region (or at least made first contact) and so I was well on the way to having everything booked by the time I left for Uganda. And I was completely done with all my bookings thanks to him. When there were problems at the house in San Diego, Nate was quick to coach me through things. He was quick a joke and always willing to listen. I would go sit in his office and just hang out while he and Johannes and I would send our emails to people about sending all their money in for S4S. He stayed with me when his team came through this past spring and they spent at least a week if not more taking over the basement. It was awesome to have him around.

Something he told me and a lot of other people was that he was making it a goal to go to Uganda to see the things that had been happening there thanks to IC. He also wanted to visit his friends who had been Roadies with him. So he achieved his goal.

But what the hell. A bomb is no way to take someone doing so many good things for people he hasn't even met yet. He gave up his life in pursuit of bettering the world through education, compassion and hard work. How can a loving God, take one of his best in such a way? I will never understand why Nate had to go.

I've been struggling with even belief because of this. It's hard to think that Jeremiah 29:11 doesn't seem to hold true here: "For I know the plans I have for you...Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Where's Nate's future? Where's the plans God has for Nate? How is a bomb not harmful?

I know I'm looking at this in the eyes of the here-and-now and the physical. God is supposed to have a big plan that I can only see this small part of. I sure as hell hope He knows what He is doing. I guess that is why He has the job and I don't.

If you would like to donate to Nate's fund: Nate Henn's Fund.

If you have lost someone and are looking for comfort, something a friend recently gave me has really helped me to think and understand Nate's passing. Listen to the song "Perfector" by My Epic.

"Death is just a hook behind a door, where I'll leave my dirty clothes"

Thanks for the legacy you leave for me and IC. Everyone loves you. Thanks for being our guardian. Visit me in my dreams often ok? I love you.

What Do You Wanna Be? by Dispatch

What do u wanna be
I don't know
And what do u wanna feel
I cant tell you
And what do u wanna see
I don't know
Just take me down to the watering hole

What do u wanna be
I don't know
And what do u wanna feel
I can't tell you
And what do u wanna see
I don't know
Just take me down to the watering hole

We're going, tiptoe
Back to the place that i know so
Oh wont you please just say so
Cause im not gonna leave until you let me go
Tiptoe back to the place that i know so
Oh wont you please just say so
Cause im not gonna leave until you let me go

What do u wanna be
I don't know
And what do u wanna feel
I cant tell you
And what do u wanna see
I don't know
Just take me down to the watering hole

What do u wanna be
I don't know
And what do u wanna feel
I cant tell you
And what do u wanna see
I don't know
Just take me down to the watering hole

We're going tiptoe
Back to the place that i know so
Oh wont you please just say so
Cause im not gonna leave until you let me go
Tiptoe back to the place that i know so
Oh wont you please just say so
Cause im not gonna leave until you let me go

It's been a while since I've been on here! Christmas and New Years was awesome! I hope yours was as well!

But now I'm suffering from post-Christmas emptiness. We took down all the decorations today and the house is blank. All the fun of the holidays and the food and the family time and lights and the tree and... I could go on. So now life goes back to it's ordinary pace.

But it's a clean slate. Tabula rasa. Now that 2008 is over, we have a chance to start fresh. I think of all the resolutions people like to make; exercise, eating right, cutting back on spending, being there for kids, helping the homeless... That's great that a person wants to improve their life a little bit.

What if, this year, we were to make a new resolution. To listen, follow and share the words of Christ. All those other resolutions should be second to this. This is one we can't break on February 1st. In fact what if this resolution for 2009 wasn't just for 2009, but for the rest of our lives. Talk about improving your life? Do it.

Just a thought.

Yesterday, I went to DC with a few friends to hang out with the homeless people that were in Franklin Square. It was actually a really nice day for December, and I only was cold toward the end of the afternoon. It was really great to see that people were not just coming by to get a free drink and clothes but also to stop and talk with us! We met this really nice guy named Eric who had a lot to say, and even sing! He had grown up in a family of 33 kids. Yes, 33 kids! His parent's had 7 children of their own and had adopted 25 children plus him. He had lots of hilarious stories about living with so many others and all of his in-laws. He was an excellent singer with a deep, Frank Sinatra style sound and sang a few Christmas carols for us! Rebecca Withers had a blast listening to him sing, but would not join in with him... Bummer! Haha!

Someone asked me today about what we had been doing in DC yesterday. They wanted to know about the "mission". We had gone into DC with no mission except to be accepting, friendly and caring for the people we talked to. We did not have religious intent in what we were doing. This person was perplexed at why we didn't do the "do you know Jesus" thing. While that is important, it takes the personal bit out of what we were doing. It just seems fake to those of us down there. Not that I wouldn't share Jesus if I was asked about him, it's just that I feel that something along the lines of sharing my faith is on a more personal level and the person would have to know me and I would have to know them.

I think that my actions and the things I say should reflect Christ without me having to even mention him. If that was the case, then there would be no reason for the "do you know Jesus" thing. The people who I talked to would know there was something different. What if we could live like that? What if we could live a life that is a reflection of Christ?

Just a thought.

Today was awesome. Greg, Cathy, Jackie and I decorated the student auditorium at my church today. It is ridiculously bright now... We put up over 20 strands of lights, hanging, wrapping, covering the stage. We put up wreaths and garland, and even made a make shift fireplace with a plasma TV and a looping video of a roaring fire. Tomorrow we are going to get stockings to hang over the TV and get a space heater to make it warm and feel like a real fire. But when I got to the last piece of garland in the box at the end of the night, I started pulling it out. It was over 100 feet long! It kept coming out of the box! Greg and I started thinking of places to put it. We thought about all around the stage would look cool, or hanging it between the two storage rooms on either side of the auditorium. Then we just decided not to because it was a lot of extra work and we were tired.

But that doesn't cut it with God. We can't just stop because we don't feel like doing something or think it is too much effort. What if we were to keep on for God until he didn't have anything left for us to do? (Not like that would really would happen, but the idea is there.) Why would we not want to do something God has asked us to do?

Just a thought.

At the Gathering last night, the pastor gave a great sermon. We were comparing our love for God to a Coldplay concert. Let me explain:

The pastor talked about how he went to "the greatest of all concerts this fall" (which is debatable but that's for later). He started texting his friends to hang it over their heads that he was at the concert. After they stopped texting him, he moved on to texting people who were at the show to see who had better seats. At the end of the show, he found out that one of his friends was "close enough to smell the band". (It smelled of Irish Spring apparently.) We love getting as close as we possibly can to celebrities, right?

Why can't we be the same way about God? Why can't we want to get close enough to God to be able to smell him? We wouldn't pass up front row to Coldplay, so why should we pass up front row to God?

Just a thought.

Last night at Chi Alpha, we talked about leaving a legacy. How do we want to be remembered. It could be anything! President, a rock star, a director, a friend, whatever! Jeff had us talk with each other about our greatest fear, our biggest dream, and what we want our legacy to be. I had never really though about how I wanted to be remembered. I remember in high school, we talked about existentialism, which, on it's most basic level, is a philosophy where if you haven't made a difference somewhere, it was as if you never existed. I kept thinking about how I could make a difference in someone's life. I think that my greatest fear is that I wouldn't have the courage to do so.

We all need to remember that we all have special gifts that have been given us for a greater plan. We can't squander those gifts and need to develop and use them. God has a plan that he wants us to be a part of, where each of us has a different legacy. I think we need to listen, follow, and do.

Just a thought.

Robert

Robert has got to be one of the coolest kids I know. My friend Meghan takes care of him in the afternoons on weekdays and she has told me so many stories about things they do together, funny stuff he says, and how much she enjoys being with him. Robert has Down's syndrome and needs the care in the afternoons when his parents are still at work. I went with them today to go get diet Coke at McDonald's in University Mall. I have never had a real experience with someone who had Down's syndrome until today. It was really great and he was hilarious. I was his "dude" today and we had fun conversations and he wore my glasses (and looked good in them! haha!). Something I noticed though was how Meghan worked with him.

She has been talking with me about all the things they do together and how she helps him with homework and things like that. She gets paid very well but I could tell she wasn't in it for the money. She loves Robert.

I wish people could love that way. Not just giving change to the Salvation Army, but whole bills, or checks even. If people could love someone or care for someone because they wanted to, like Meghan, there'd be a lot less issues in the world today.

Just a thought.

I went climbing over at Sportrock with Dan and Ryan today. We had a great time and I am really sore. When I got home, I was reminded of the climbing stuff that I did one day this past summer. We took Lauren to Old Rag Mountain, where we had our last hang out time before she left for school. It was awesome! There had been a long climb, we were all sweaty and hot and had run out of water already. But once we got to the top it was so worth it! Just remembering when we first crested the hill to where we could actually see stuff was awesome!

I think that's how I look at challenges in my life. I have this huge looming problem in front of me, I have used up all my strength. "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you". I just can't forget to remember the end justifies HIS means.

Just a thought.